Fall
by xForeversEndx
Summary: James has dealt with rejection after rejection from Lily. Has he finally reached his breaking point? Trigger warning later on. Cutting and Self-Induced vomiting
1. Over the Edge

**Hey folks! I'm back! To those of you who are still getting my alerts, thank you for your patience. I know it's been over a year since I've written. I thought I'd try a Lily/James for once. I'm sorry it's not Drarry, but let me know what you think! I'll try to update soon! (College is crazy).**

"Hey, Lily…."

"Don't do it James…" Sirius warns me from my left. I ignore him and quicken my pace to match Lily's.

"Lily." I take a deep breath. "Lily, stop." I put my hand on her shoulder, just so she'll notice me. She spins around with a familiar fire burning in her eyes. I wince and back up a little.

"Told you…" I hear a mumble from behind me.

"What the bloody hell do you want, Potter? I'm busy!" Suddenly the confidence I'd had before is gone. There's an empty, sick feeling in my stomach, and I feel my fingers start to shake.

"I'm sorry…" I stammer… "I just… can we talk? Please?" Moony and Padfoot have settled into a corner, watching what they clearly believe is a spectacle to come. Sirius looks amused, and Remus just looks worried. I watch Lily glace around. The whole hallway is eyeing the two of us. I close my eyes. I wasn't trying to make a show of this…

"Fine." I open my eyes. Lily appears to have decided that yelling at me in front of so many people would be in poor taste. She's given in. "It better be bloody quick." I almost grab for her hand before remembering it would be a bad idea to touch her. I lead her into a courtyard. I know my friends have probably followed us. But I don't really care that they're listening. I sit her down and take a deep breath.

"Lily, look… you intoxicate me. For some reason, all I really want is to just…"

"Stop." She cuts me off. "Just stop, Potter. I've heard all this before and I'm sure millions of other girls have too." I open my mouth to tell her that's not true at all, but she doesn't let me speak. "No," she says when I try. "Don't talk, just listen. I don't appreciate this at all. Pulling me aside in front of my friends so I don't have the choice to say no. Your arrogance might get you into bed with other girls, but I don't want _any _of it do you understand?"

"Yes." I say shortly. "I didn't…" she cuts me off again.

"Then please, just leave me alone. I'm tired of this. I'm tired _you. _I'm not a prize to be won. You're going to have to just accept that I'm not like all the other slags in this school."

"Please, Lily, why can't you just give me a chance?" I'm starting to feel desperate. My arrogance and confidence have long gone away. Lately I've just felt depressed. "I know you're nothing like them… that's the point…" This was the wrong thing to say.

"You want to know why Potter?" She snaps, "Because you're no better than any of the Slytherins! You torment people who are lower than you, you refuse help in your classes because you think you're too bloody good for it, and you think you're so bloody attractive, it disgusts me." I open my mouth but she isn't finished. "You've made it a game for yourself to ask me out every fucking day, just to humiliate me. You KNOW I'm not interested, but you insist on doing this anyway. Either you think this is funny, or there's something wrong with you, but either way I don't give a fuck. I'm not interested in being a part of your games."

"I can explain." I spit out quickly before she has a chance to cut me off again. "I can explain all of it!"

"I don't want to hear it, Potter. If I really want to know, I'll ask the girls you've snogged. I'm sure they've heard it all." She stands up. "Thanks for the chat." I try to stop her before she walks away.

"It's so much different from that, Lily…" Either she didn't hear me or she doesn't care, but she doesn't stop. I don't chase after her either. After staring in her direction for a moment or two, I sigh and sit down on the stone bench she's just vacated. I'm actually not sure how much longer I can do this.

"AND JAMES POTTER IS SHUT DOWN AGAINNNN!" Padfoot shows up out of nowhere and plops himself down on the bench beside me. I don't say anything. "So, James, you've just been declared a Slytherin; what are you gonna do now?" He holds an invisible microphone in front of my face. I shove him off and get to my feet. He's right on my heels, talking to the camera that Remus is now metaphorically holding. He follows me as I walk. "We're here today with Mr. James Potter, who only moments ago, encountered the rare Lily Beast. He has not survived the encounter unscathed. Any words for our viewers, Jamsie?"

"Fuck off, Padfoot." Sirius turns back to the camera.

"Mr. Prongs appears to be unavailable for questioning at this time." I sigh and speed up my pace. Moony continues to "record" as we enter the now empty hallway. "For those members of our audience who do NOT know, this is not Mr. Potter's first encounter with the wild, yet predictable creature. Why, even yesterday…"

I tune Sirius out as I approach the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Pixie." I say glumly. She swings forward and I climb through the gaping hole left in her place. Ignoring the calls of the people sitting the common room, I trudge up the stairs to the 7th floor. By the time Moony and Padfoot catch up to me in the dorm room, they've stopped pretending to be a television programme. The moment the door shuts Sirius starts stripping his clothing. I'm hit in the face with his sweaty shirt.

"God it is too sodding hot." On a normal day, I would have shed my clothes as well, laid back on my bed and probably have pulled the snitch out of my underwear drawer. Today though, I don't feel up to it. Remus - who's a bit more civil and proper than both Sirius and I combined – replaces his sweat-stained uniform with a clean t-shirt.

"You're awfully quiet, James," He observes as he pulls some parchment out of his trunk.

"Yeah, Prongs," Sirius agrees, "Quit your pouting. Plenty of grindylow in the tank." I ignore him. "Whatever." I hear him sigh. "Hey, Moony, can I borrow a quill?"

"You just borrowed one this morning…"

While the two of them bicker I sit on the edge of my bed and stare at my feet. I don't feel very well at all. I reach up and loosen my necktie, hoping it will make a difference. It doesn't. I know there's nothing physically wrong with me, but I feel like I'm not breathing in enough air. Lily's words are running through my mind.

_You're no better than any of the Slytherins._

_You think you're so bloody attractive it disgusts me._

_I'm tired of you._

Suddenly my throat gets tight and my face feels hot. I take a deep breath and hold it there for a moment, trying to gain composure. It's been getting so hard to deal with this lately. For some reason, Lily refuses to understand that I actually do love her. I haven't teased anyone in months. I've stopped acting arrogant. Hell I couldn't act arrogant if I tried right now. I just feel… worthless. And ugly. And no matter how many times I try to tell her, all she's done is grow sick of me…

I can feel the tears starting to gather in the corners of my eyes now. I close them.

_You refuse help in your classes because you think you're too good for it. _

I don't think I'm too good for it at all… but if I ask for help, everyone will think I'm stupid… I'm James Potter. I have appearances to keep… but I guess that just makes her right… My breath is getting shaky.

_I'm not interested in your games. _

I draw in another breath, and this time it catches in my throat. I squeeze my eyes shut but it's too late to stop it now. I'm crying. I feel my shoulders start to shudder as the first tears escape down my cheeks. I lean forward and bury my face in my hands, at least having the dignity to stay quiet.

"Hey, James," I hear Sirius cut off mid-question. "Whoa…" he says softly. I hear his footsteps and the next thing I'm aware of is his weight on my bed. I feel an arm around me. Somehow, this makes me cry harder. I'm not being quiet anymore. This draws Moony's attention from his essay and I can feel his weight beside me as well, rubbing my back.

"Jamsie…" Sirius says softly… "Come on, tell us what's wrong." I don't say anything. I don't know how to tell them. After all, none of Lily's rejections have ever made me cry before. This time was no worse than any of the others. So how can I explain to them that I don't know how to deal with it anymore? They'll just laugh anyway. "Prongs…" I take a breath, prepared to say something – anything, but even the simplest of words catch in my throat, and all I can manage is a pathetic cry. I've never felt so helpless. It's been years since I've cried like this…

So why can't I stop?

I pull my glasses off my face and throw them on the bed behind me. I start wiping furiously at my eyes, in effort to make the tears go away. They don't. I keep trying, getting more and more frustrated, which to my dismay, results in a full scale breakdown. Honestly, if anyone other than Moony and Padfoot were here to witness this, I would kill myself. I lean as far forward as I can so that my face is into my hands which are resting on my knees. Violent sobs are forcing themselves out of my body, and I don't even fully understand why. All I know is that I don't want to see the looks on my friends' faces right now. My breath catches and I cough. I feel either Remus or Sirius pat my back.

"There, there, James… It's alright." I shake my head into my knees. It most certainly is _not _alright. I'm breaking down…

"Shh… yes it is." It's Moony talking. I hear him sigh. He doesn't sound surprised at all by my tears. "This is what happens when you bottle up your feelings, mate." He sounds like he's reprimanding me. All the while, I don't hear a word from Sirius. He hasn't let go of my shoulders. I manage to choke out a sentence.

"I don't k-know what to d-do anymore!"

"You really do love her, don't you?" It's the first time I've heard Sirius's voice since I started crying. His tone is soft. All I can handle is a nod. "Come here, Prongs." He says gently. "Sit up." I shake my head. "Up, you great lump, up." I take a breath and hold it. I sit up. Sirius looks me dead in the eyes.

"Why didn't you tell us what this was doing to you?" I fall apart all over again. With a sigh, Sirius pulls me toward him in a very unmanly hug, leaving me no choice but to sob uncontrollably into the crook of his neck. He holds me close to him. 7 years of friendship comes to the surface and I'm not even embarrassed anymore. I feel Remus's weight leave the bed. I can hear the bathroom door open and then a few moments later, he's sitting beside me again. I blubber all over Sirius for what feels like an hour before I start to settle down. I sniff pathetically and sit up. I stare at my lap as Remus hands me a few tissues (clearly what he'd been getting from the bathroom), unable to look either of them in the eye. After another ten minutes, I manage to stop crying. Remus grabs my hand reassuringly and this almost unglues me all over. I don't remember ever feeling this horrible.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks softly. I think for a moment… Do I want to talk about it? I decide on no and shake my head. "Later maybe." I tell him in a scratchy voice. If I try now I'll just fall apart again. He nods in understanding as Sirius goes and grabs me a few more tissues.

When Padfoot returns I notice that he looks upset. Not just pitying, like Moony, but actually upset. I take his offering gratefully, blow my nose, and wipe at the rest of the tears on my cheeks. After taking a few more breaths to steady myself, I ask him,

"What's wrong?" He gives me a funny look, as though I'm the last person in the world with the right to ask somebody what's the matter. Given my current position, he's probably right. But I don't really care. "I'm serious." I croak. "You look upset."

"I'm just worried." He says shortly. I shake my head.

"No, Remus is worried. You look upset." Remus looks at him with a face that suggests he agrees with me.

"I should have seen it coming." He mumbles. "I should have realised how bad you were hurting." I swallow the lump this statement puts in my throat. "Remus saw it, why didn't I? You're my best friend."

"Sirius, _I _didn't see this coming…" I stop talking because I feel like pushing my vocal cords is going to make me fall apart again. "It just matters that you're here," I choke. Great… now I'm hurting my friends… Padfoot sighs and sits beside me again. All he says is

"I guess."

I reach out and put an arm around each one of them, pulling them to me.

"I'm sorry." I whisper. Sirius looks around at me in surprise.

"What the hell for, James?"

"Being pathetic." I take another deep breath.

"You're not being pathetic at all, James." It's Remus who answers this time. "Sometimes people just need to cry." I almost open my mouth to argue this, but memories of Sirius and I holding Remus close flood my mind instead. At the same time I recall letting Padfoot cry all over me a few weeks after he ran away.

"I guess." I say softly. "Thank you." They just hug me. "I don't feel okay at all," I whisper.

"I know," Remus tells me gently. "You'll feel better after some rest and you put some time between you and this…"

"Breakdown." I finish for him.

"Yeah." I don't say anything back.

This has been coming for years.

One sporadic crying jag won't be the end of it.

But they don't need to know that.


	2. Staying on Track

**ATTENTION READERS: The length of this story will be directly affected by the number of REVIEWS it receives. I know quite a few of you are following this already. If you really do like it, I beg you to please take the time to REVIEW. Most of this chapter was written during my Sociology class, and I'd like to know if it was worth the effort. **

I wake up the next morning to the typical chaos and rustle of any other morning in our dorm. Remus is in the shower, Sirius is rummaging through everything he owns for one thing or another that he's lost, and Wormtail is snoring loudly a few bunks away. The first thing I notice about myself upon waking is that I don't feel any better.

I look around from my position sprawled out across the sheets. For a moment, I consider going back to sleep and blowing off my classes for the day; I still feel exhausted. I audibly groan as I remember a charms exam I have today.

_You refuse help in your classes because you think you're too bloody good for it. _

I'm horrible in charms. That's Lily's specialty. I sit up slowly and wince, finding that my entire body is sore: my shoulders, my back, my neck, and my arms.

Crying always exhausts me. I can imagine how hard I passed out last night… chances are I didn't even move. I grab my classes off the table and put them on. Just as I'm registering the fact that the lenses are too foggy for me to see through them, something collides with my face, very nearly knocking me over.

"Heeeey! Look who's alive!" Padfoot has chucked a pillow at me. I fling it back and regret it instantly as my shoulder screams in protest. "Good-morning sunshine!" I resist the urge to punch him in the face. I am _not _ a morning person, and Sirius's energy in the morning frequently gets on everybody's nerves.

I stretch painfully and pull myself to my feet. I walk over to my wardrobe, thankful – for once – of the uniform, and its removal of decision from my morning tasks. I pull out a clean shirt and pants, dress slowly, and pull on my robe. As I'm lacing up my trainers, the bathroom door opens and Remus steps out in a puff of steam.

"Jeez, Moony! Hot enough in there for you?" Moony, who isn't a morning person either, ignores Padfoot and starts pulling on his clothes. I take this opportunity to use the loo. When I've finished, I pull my glasses off my face again and clean the lenses on my robe. I sigh. The mirror in the bathroom is beginning to un-fog and I stand in front of it, feeling contemplative and heavy.

_You think you're so bloody attractive, it disgusts me. _

I don't think I'm attractive… I stare into the eyes of my reflection and wonder if they've always looked so hopeless. There are red lines poisoning the white part of my eyes, and blue circles hug them beneath my lashes. I don't think I'm attractive at all. My hair is a mess, my skin is too pale, my eyes too far apart. My glasses are ugly. My arms are too long, my feet are too big, and my eyebrows too bushy. My mouth is too small. My lips are too pink. My hands are too big.

"James, come on, do you want breakfast or what?" I don't answer them. I'm not hungry. I just want to lay back down, close my eyes, and fall back to sleep – where I can't feel this weight. I feel kind of… disconnected from everyone else. I feel horrid. Remus lied. "James?" Sirius is in the doorway. I look around, pretending I didn't hear him the first time.

"Sirius?" He looks confused for a moment.

"Uh… We're going to breakfast now…" I plaster on a smile.

"Great, I'm starving" Padfoot laughs.

"Of course you are, Prongs." I give him what I hope he'll decide is a playful shove and follow him out of the bathroom. I grab my stuff, sigh, and follow my friends to the Great Hall. The whole time we're walking, all I can think is 'I just want to be sleeping'.

Because we're running late (as usual), the Hall is already filled with students. Out of habit, my eyes seek out the familiar head of red hair that's become the high point of my mornings. I find her quickly – standing behind Snape at the Slytherin table. This does nothing to improve my mood. I pry my eyes of Lily, remember how irritated she gets when I stare. I turn around and sit between Sirius and Remus, trying to convince myself that I shouldn't feel so lonely right now. I'm surrounded by great friends… literally.

For some reason I just feel alone.

The smell of the food makes me suddenly hungry, and I take it as a good sign that I still feel like eating. I begin piling my plate with pancakes and fruits and syrup. As I shove food into my mouth, I watch Remus stare at me and Sirius (who just stuffed two muffins in his mouth at once) in bewilderment.

"I'm the werewolf, and YOU two eat like animals," he informs us with an almost parental tone. He has a smile on his face as though he finds the two of us amusingly fascinating.

"Dongt disaglt mah whait I alething." Sirius attempts to reply with a mouth full of food. Remus laughs.

"Come again?" I watch in amusement as he swallows all the food at once and coughs. I slap his back with probably more force than necessary.

"Don't distract me while I'm eating." He says again. "I need to focus." He says it in such a serious tone a couple people at the table stare at him in disbelief. And then he laughs. I shake my head and go back to my food. I'm just starting to feel only a tiny bit better when Lily walks by with Snape. My heart sinks.

_You think you're so bloody attractive, it disgusts me. _

I watch as Lily laughs at something Snape says. I wonder if she thinks _Snape _is attractive. My eyes focus on him. I guess he's smaller… skinnier. I look down at the food on my plate and suddenly I'm disgusted with myself.

"Am I fat?" I hadn't meant to say it out loud.

"Yeah, Prongs, you're huge." I look around at Sirius surprised for a moment at his answer. He's got an expression on his face that says quite clearly "what the fuck was that?" I get the feeling he's being sarcastic, but at the same time I'm not so hungry anymore. I look down the hall in the direction Snape just went with Lily. I think of all the food I just ate.

"Hey I've gotta take a piss." I say in the most care-free James like manner possible. Sirius shrugs and attacks an omelet. Remus appears not to have heard me. I excuse myself from the table and walk as casually as I can to the loo.

As I walk I think about my appearance.

Quidditch season hasn't begun yet… I've lost whatever form I had last year because I didn't practise over the summer… I weigh 25 pounds more than I used to… my stomach jiggles when I walk…

I walk faster.

"_Vomero." _I retch and my breakfast spills into the toilet bowl. I cough and sputter for a moment and then repeat this process again, just for good measure. I breathe heavily for a moment, wiping my mouth on my sleeve. Then I stand up, flush the loo, and rinse my mouth in the sink. From now on I'll be sure to eat less. At least today won't put me off track.

I walk out of the restroom with a new – almost positive – resolve to lose the extra weight… and maybe even a little more. I'm startled to find Sirius standing outside the bathroom door with a look of horror on his face.

"What?" I ask, legitimately bewildered by his expression. He seems to be at a loss for words for a moment.

"A-are you okay?" He looks pale. Am I okay? Probably not.

"Yeah..?" I respond slowly. "What's wrong?"

"I thought I heard vomiting…" I stare.

"James when I told you that you were huge I was joking…" I glare at him, offended.

"What are you implying?"

"You're not, you know…"

"I can't believe you're actually serious right now!" I snap. "I'm not stupid, Padfoot. I know how bad purging fucks a person up!" It's not a lie… I'm not a Bulimic. I just didn't want to be off track… from now on I just… won't eat so much.

"I don't want you to think that I…"

"I don't know what you heard, Sirius, but it don't happen." My tone is final. He stares me down for a second, and though I still don't think he believes me, he doesn't push. As we walk silently to our first class of the day (Potions), I contemplate why I lied to him about throwing up. I don't think I really did anything too wrong… It's not like I plan on doing it again. And yet… somehow I just… felt like I needed to lie…

As we enter the classroom I see Lily seated by the window with Alice Longbottom. They're giggling about something written on a piece of parchment. For a moment, I wonder what they're laughing about. For a second I hope it has to do with me, but realise that if it did, that probably wasn't a good thing. I bet they found out my Charms grade…

Whatever positive feelings I had from the idea of getting skinnier fly out the door with the draft. Suddenly I just want to go back to bed again.

I'm finding it hard to focus on Potions today… and of course it doesn't help that I have Wormtail for a partner… with his small brain and my limited attention span, we manage to blow the potion up in a matter of 20 minutes. Slughorn must be in a bad mood as well because he takes 20 points from Gryffindor and instructs Remus to assist me. Wormtail's been sent off to work with a Ravenclaw student on the other side of the room.

"Come on, James, you have to pay attention." Remus instructs me once again. I try to pull myself out of my thoughts, although I don't know if I would necessarily call them thoughts. They're more… feelings. Emotions… bad ones. And of course, Moony's impatience with my depressive attitude isn't helping at all. He grabs my wrist for the third time to stop me adding the wrong ingredient.

"God damn, James, just let me do it!" I drop the eel's eyes I was holding and sit down. I feel tears again. Of course Lily doesn't like me. I'm a fuck up…

I brush the moisture from my eyes and stare at the wall until Moony speaks to me again. His voice is softer now.

"Are you okay, James…?" I can tell that he's legitimately concerned and somehow this only makes me feel worse. Not only do I screw things up for myself, but now I'm hurting the people I care about too. It's all a fucking circle. It will hurt them if I tell them I'm not really okay… and they'll waste all sorts of time worrying about me when I don't deserve it, and I feel like shit for it. But if I don't tell them I'm alone and I'll still feel awful…

"James?" I nod my head. "Yeah, I'm fine." I force a smile. "Just a little zoned out today." I decide not to tell them. Either way, I'm gonna hurt. This way at least they're spared.

"Yeah… okay." I put my head in my arms, close my eyes. I feel like I'm falling.

My inability to concentrate spreads through the rest of my morning classes, and come lunch time, my fat ass is starving. I tell my friends that I want to go to the library to revise for my Charms exam, and they willingly accept this, and leave me behind in the Transfiguration corridor. I do go to the library, but instead of revising, I stare at an open book, managing not to absorb a word of the text. With each word, I feel more and more hopeless that I'll ever pass. Eventually I give up, close the book, and gaze out the window, past the lake. It's rainy today, and I can see dark, sobre, grey clouds reflected across metallic water. Despite yesterday's heat wave, today's wind looks icy cold. I glare at the sky, having hoped that perhaps the sun would cheer me up.

I laugh catches my ear from behind a set of shelves. I know that laugh…

I get up from my place at one of the uncomfortable wooden tables in the library, and walk slowly toward the noise. Before it occurs to me that what I'm doing could be called stalking, I peer around the corner of an aisle and see just as I expected. Lily. She's accompanied by a Ravenclaw girl that I do not know, and they seem to be gossiping.

"I know right?" The blonde is saying. Lily giggles.

"It's so pathetic… I almost feel sorry for him" The other girl looks at Lily seriously for moment.

"Don't LIls, trust me. He's really not worth it." My lower lip starts to tremble. They're talking about me…

I sneak away from the aisle where Lily is with her friend and find a secluded table in the very back corner of the library. I can't help the tears that come. I bury my face in my arms. I'm not sobbing as I did last night – not by a long shot – but at the same time I can't help but feel beaten and alone. I can imagine this has to do with the lack of food in my system, but that's something I'll need to grow used too.

After 7 years of chasing, this has finally broken me.

I'm crying for probably ten minutes before I'm startled nearly out of my skin by somebody touching my shoulder.

"Potter…?" I squeeze my eyes shut. No. Oh, god no.

It's Lily.

I press my palms up to my eye sockets.

"Just go away, Evans." I try to make my voice sound steady, but it doesn't work.

"Potter… what's wrong…?"

"Nothing." To my dismay she pulls out a chair and sits next to me.

"Nothing?" She says. I can hear a smile in her voice. "Then why are you crying?" I sniff.

"Because I felt like it." She doesn't say anything. "Why would I tell you?"

"Because I'm asking," she tells me simply. I remove my hands from my face and look at her through blurry eyes. She looks more curious than she does worried. "Are you okay?" I sniff. I pull back the urge to just scream that no, I'm not okay, and nod my head without saying a word.

"I just… I got into a fight with Sirius… yeah." She looks surprised by this.

"Oh… I'm sorry" she frowns. "Was it bad?" I nod my head and wipe at my eyes again. She's paying attention to me… "What did you two fight about?" My stomach drops out of my feet. If I tell her I don't want to talk about it, she'll go away… but I don't know what we could have fought about… I say the first thing I can think of.

"He thinks I stole his knife." I kick myself. A stolen knife? Now she really _is _going to think I'm pathetic. Crying over something so stupid…

"Oh… he was really that mad?" I can tell she doesn't believe me so I have to make something up fast.

"Yeah… he got that knife from his grandfather as a kid… right before he died…"

"Did you take it?" I shake my head. "Well what does he think you'd want with a knife anyway?" I actually think about that myself. What _would _I want with a knife…? Something goes through my mind that I really, really don't like, next thing I know, the tears come rushing back. Lily raises her eyebrows at me. I can't tell if she thinks I'm lying to her, or if she just thinks I'm being pathetic but either way I don't think it's good.

And then she does something I never expected.

She hugs me.

This catches me completely off guard and I stop breathing for a moment. Once I've registered what's going on, I don't release my breath, because I don't know how much control I have right now and I don't want to end up sobbing all over her like I did to Sirius last night. I just let her hug me. For some reason, I can't bring myself to hug her back.

"Why don't you go talk to Sirius," she says when she lets go of me. "I'm sure he's stopped being angry by now." I wipe at my face and nod, pretending to agree with her.

"Yeah… okay." And then I think I might have a shot. "Hey, Lily… will you,"

"No, Potter."

"But I thought…" This just seems to piss her off.

"For god's sake Potter, I'm nice to you once and you're all over me. I said no." She started to walk away and paused. "I'm sorry you're having a bad day," she told me, and I could tell she meant is. And then without looking back, she left me behind.

I stood in the library, staring after her, unsure of whether I should cry, or be happy because of the encounter. I wind up staring dumbfounded in her direction. I glance up at the clock on the Library wall and realise – with a jolt – that I'm nearly late for my Charms exam. I pick up my bag and hurry off.

When I run into charms I'm 10 minutes late. Lily's already in her seat. Her and yet another friend notice me come in late, and roll their eyes at each other. I don't understand…

It's like the Library didn't even happen…

I sit next to Padfoot who whispers in my ear.

"You're late."

"I noticed." He stares at me for a second.

"Have you been crying?" I glare at him. Sirius has a whisper that carries.

"No." I say shortly. "Have you?" He looks confusedly at me.

"No… why would I?"

"Exactly." He takes this as his queue to shut up.

"Alright boys and girls," Flitwick announces to the class in his high-pitched squeak. "The examinations will begin… now." He waves his wand and paper lands on my desk. I pick up my quill, read the first question, and groan.

I don't know this shit at all…

I make my way down into the Great Hall at dinner time and almost instantly feel my mouth begin to water. I figure I may as well eat _something _because it won't do me any good to pass out in front of Moony and Padfoot who already think that something's wrong. I figure a bowl of chowder won't do too much damage, and I eat it slowly. If I finish this before dinner's finished, I might eat more. Remus asks me for the third time today if I'm okay and I'm beginning to get irritated.

"Yes, Remus!" I snap. "You two have been on my case all fucking day! I'm tired, I failed my test, and I'm having a bad day! I know I freaked out last night but seriously just leave it the fuck alone and stop reminding me!" I get up from the table, deciding that I really don't need to eat after all. I grab a flask of pumpkin juice to keep me from starving and stalk up to the dorms.

By the time I get there, I'm starting to feel bad about yelling at my friends. At the same time, they can be so… irritating.

As I turn off the lights and lay down for bed, I think about what they're saying.

Am I okay?

I brush it off. I'll feel better in the morning.

It's with this thought that I drift into sleep.


	3. Perfect Red Lines

**(TRIGGER WARNING ) at end of chapter**

"FUCK!"

It's the first thing I hear upon waking up the next morning. I open my eyes and can make out a blur hopping around the room in obvious pain. I presume that this must be Padfoot. I grope around for my glasses, half blinded by a combination of sleep and lack of decent eyesight. I find them and jam them on my face. My assumption was right; Sirius is hopping around on one foot. I look around for the culprit, but can't find anything he might have dropped.

"What happened?" I mumble as he hobbles over to his bed, cradling his foot that I now notice is bleeding.

"I stopped on my bleeding knife!" He shouted. I wince. WAY too early for noise. Apparently Remus agrees because he reaches for a shoe beside his bed and chucks it at Sirius. He misses. I stare.

"Why was your knife on the floor?" He glares at me.

"Shit!" The cut does look deep. He pulls himself to his feet again. "I'm gonna go find Evans." This wakes me up a little.

"What do you need Lily for?" Sirius shakes his head.

"Christ Prongs I know how to get you up in the morning." He hobbles out the door and – against my better judgment – I follow him down into the common room.

Sirius manages to hobble down most of the stairs before his single foot loses its hold on the carpet. He rolls down the last three, and cussing loudly, crawls to a sofa. His foot still seems to be bleeding.

"Bloody hell!" I withhold my desire to inform him that perhaps hobbling down a flight of stairs with an injured foot was probably a bad idea, and that I could have summoned Lily instead. "Where the sod is she?"

"Uhm… in her dorm, probably…"

"Go get her!" I glare at him.

"Your bleeding foot is no reason for you to be prick." He picks up a sofa cushion and throws it at me. I dodge it, stick out my tongue, and rush into the girls' stairwell before he can throw something else. Suddenly, a siren sounds and next thing I know, I'm toppling backwards into the common room. Now it's my turn to swear. I've forgotten about the stairs.

"Shit!"

"What the fuck was that?" Voices start to sound from upstairs. A third year girl pokes her head around the entry way upstairs. "

It's James Potter!" She shouts back. "HE'S TRYING TO SPY!" I groan. A few first year faces appear behind her, their eyes wide.

"You're gonna get in trouble!" A braver one shouts at me. I pull myself into a sitting position.

"Someone get Lily!" The third year I saw before smirks at me. "Oh, she's gonna kill you!" I have no idea how to even respond so I turn to Sirius instead.

"I'm gonna fucking KILL you, Padfoot!" Despite the gash in his foot, the git is doubled up laughing his pretty little arse off. He puts on a high pitched, hysterical screech.

"A SPY! A SPY!" I pick up my glasses, shove them on my face, and start feeling around for my wand when I realise that I'm only wearing a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. Sirius laughs – if possible – even louder, as if he's realising this for the first time as well. "Prongs is naked!" He shouts "HE'S A NAKED PEEPING TOM!"

"What the bloody hell are you two idiots DOING?" Lily is at the top of the stairs. I glare over at Sirius, who's still howling. "I should have known you were behind this, Potter!" she snaps at me. "What's your problem? Isn't it enough to piss everyone off during the day? It's 7 am!"

"It's Sirius." I say shortly, my desire to help having disappeared. "He's hurt." She glances over at Padfoot, who has tears of mirth running down his face.

"He doesn't look hurt to me." I stand up, rubbing the back of my head. I'm unsure if it was the ground or the couch that it collided with, but it smarts.

"Just come down here, please. It's his foot." She stares un-amusedly at my half naked appearance for a moment, but gives in and slides down. My heart stops as I take in that she's wearing nothing but a golden, silk nighty. She walks over to Sirius and stands directly in front of him, hands on her hips, and such a dangerous expression her face that he stops mid-laugh, and looks at her with alarm.

"What seems to be the matter, Black?" Padfoot looks like he's just swallowed his tongue. I watch as his eyes trace her barely covered body and I feel the urge to curse him. Lily seems to notice this too. She smacks him in the back of the head.

"Eyes, here, Black!" she points to her face. "Potter said there's something wrong with you."

"Uh, yeah." He stutters. "M-my foot… its cut." I get the strong impression that he's only just now remembered his injury. He shows her the bottom of his heal. Her expression softens.

"Ah, Jeez. Hold on, let me get my wand…" She turns to head back toward her dorm, but she crosses paths with one of the first years from earlier at the bottom of the slide.

"I have your wand, Lily." The girl offers it to her. "I grabbed so you can curse that stupid boy!" Lily smiles.

"Thank you, Allison, but he wasn't doing anything wrong." Allison looks at me with a stony expression, as though I am somehow responsible for ruining her day. I sigh, but feel my mood improve slightly at the idea that Lily Evans just defended me.

"Oh." I watch Lily gently repair the cut on Sirius's foot.

"How did you manage this?" She asks. She's clearly still irritated, but at the same time she's begun to calm down. I swallow an unpleasant emotion upon realising that she's always been much friendlier with Padfoot and Moony than she ever has with me. If I were hurt she probably wouldn't even help. I feel a bitter anger toward my friend at this.

"I stepped on my hunter's knife." At first I don't understand why Lily appears to be so taken aback by this – after all Sirius isn't exactly known for being orderly. Leaving knife on the floor isn't too big a stretch for him.

"So you found it then?" Ice hits my stomach. Sirius looks confused.

"Uh… yeah, my foot did, yeah." She smiles at him.

"At least you haven't lost it."

"…Yeah, sure."

"I'm all finished." Lily stands up and gives Sirius a hug. My spirits dampen. "Try to be more careful." She turns to head back up the stairs. She stops. "Oh, and uh… I think you owe Potter an apology. You really hurt him." She walks right past me without giving a notice of my existence and escapes up the newly reconstructed steps.

"Aww, Jaimsie, did I hurt you?" Sirius pouts at me. I flip him off, still angry for his shouting, and head up toward our own dorms. "Wait, James, really. What did I do?"

"Nothing, Sirius, I don't know what she was talking about." He catches me and grabs the back of my shirt.

"You're lying to me. I know when you're lying." I shove him off.

"Just don't talk to me right now, Sirius." I leave him in the stairwell, unmoving and looking bewildered.

Its lunch time now and I'm sitting in the great hall next to Remus and across from Sirius. I haven't said a word to him since this morning.

"Just tell me what the bloody hell I did…" He's been whining at me for hours.

I ignore him and start to levitate a piece of bread a few feet over the table. There's really no point to doing this, but I've nothing better to do right now, and the concentration required to keep it in the air helps kill time.

"James…" I drop the bread onto his hair. He pretends not to have noticed. "Why are you mad?" I levitate the bread back into the air.

"Stop looking at Lily like that." I say dully. He looks at me as though I've grown a second head.

"Come again." I drop the bread again.

"You were fucking ogling her like a… something!" I sputter, when I can't think of a proper simile. He stares at me for moment.

"You can't be fucking serious."

"I'm dead serious. She not a fucking sex toy."

"I-I know that, James…"

"And just because you've shagged everyone else you've talked to doesn't mean you can just take her!"

"Whoa!" Remus has been listening and decides to jump in. "You're out of line James." I turn on him.

"You weren't there! You didn't see the way he looked at her!" Moony takes a deep breath and fingers the bridge of his nose, a sign of his exasperation.

"Lily… does not belong to you, James." He says in a slow, overly-patient voice. "She can take care of herself. You know Sirius just as well as I do. You know better." I glare at him. He stares me down and nearly pick up my stuff and storm off like I did last night.

"Yeah, I know him, alright." I turn to Sirius. "And I thought you knew me. I love her. How could you?" I swallow a lump in my throat.

"James… there's nothing between Evans and me…" Remus pipes in again.

"When was the last time you ate, Prongs?"

"What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Sirius is being an arse!" They're beginning to look at me as people do to a tired and pouting child.

"James, sit down and eat something." It's not a request, it's an order.

"I'm not hungry." I say shortly, furious that they'd treat me like an infant.

"Yes, you are. It's fucking with your emotions now please just eat." I can sense their irritation. I know that if I keep this up, one of them will yelling before long. But at the same time I can't stop myself from behaving this way.

"Or maybe I'm just upset, did you think of that? You're so bloody quick to downgrade my opinion as lack of food or whatever the fuck else!" People are starting to stare.

"Please, James, just eat." The request isn't exactly out of line, but if I sit down and eat now, that means I've lost. It's a power struggle now. I don't have the pride to give in.

"No."

"Why not?" I'm wearing on Remus's very last bit of patience, and from the looks of Sirius he's already snapped.

"Because you're telling me to." I say honestly.

"Fuck this." Sirius gets up from the table, grabs me and drags me out of the Great Hall. Once we're alone he slams me into the wall and pins me there by my shoulders.

"What the FUCK has gotten into you?" I don't say anything for shock of being in this situation. "Huh?" He yells. "Moony has done nothing to you!" I try to shove him off of me but he's too strong. "**I **have done nothing to you!"

"He's trying to tell me what to do." I stare into his eyes with what I hope is an icy glare.

"He's WORRIED you fucking GIT!" I've seen Sirius angry before. I've never seen him angry with _me. _"I'M worried." I snap.

"WHY? Because I cried the other night? It's been three days! WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU BE SO WORRIED ABOUT IN THREE DAYS?" He lets go of me.

"When was the last time you ate, James?" His tone of voice makes me want to cry. I swallow it back. I still want to win this.

"This morning!" I snap. He shakes his head.

"No, James, you didn't. You didn't eat last night, and you didn't each lunch yesterday."

"Yes I did!" I insist, even though I know I honestly haven't eaten since Monday morning. "Besides," I add, trying to find a way out of his accusations, "If I was fucking starving myself like you seem to think, I wouldn't have eaten so much Monday morning." It's a stretch, I know. He looks at me as though he can't believe what I just said. When he speaks me again, his voice shakes.

"I heard you, James." He tells me. I open my mouth to argue but I don't get the chance. "I don't care how many times you tell me I didn't." I can't think of anything to say in response. He swallows, and takes in a deep breath, something that I recognise as a sign that he's about to cry. "How many times," He asks me slowly, "have you done that?"

"Never." I insist, even though I'm starting to feel the beginning of tears myself.

"DAMN IT JAMES!" He rounds on me. "STOP LYING TO ME! I HEARD YOU SAY THE INCANTATION!" I go pale. "HOW MANY TIMES?" I stare at him for long while, taking in his expression. He looks angry, scared, upset, and worried… all at once. He looks just how I've been feeling for months now. I swallow a lump in my throat.

"J-just the one," I answer as quietly as possible. "I swear… I w-wasn't… I'm not…" He still looks angry, and when he speaks his voice is firm and cold – probably the last thing I need right now.

"Why?" I stare at my feet. "WHY, JAMES?"

"Because I ate too much on Monday!" I say real fast. "I wanna loose the summer weight… I just didn't wanna be off track… I swear I don't have a problem!" I curse myself for how defensive I sound.

"You DO have a problem, James. That's a problem!" I don't say anything. "Does this have to do with Lily?" I don't answer him. He stares at me in silence for a moment. "You've been acting weird since she turned you down."

"No." I just want to be alone right now.

"One rejection isn't a reason for you starve yourself…."

"It has nothing to do with Lily. I just want to lose weight." Please… just leave me alone…

"Then do it the healthy way." He seems to be pleading with me.

"It's only been three days." Please…

"Which is why I'm stopping you now. Please, James." I slide down the wall and pull my knees to my chest. "Please."

"Fine." I tell him shortly. "Now leave me alone."

"No." Sirius grabs my hands and forces me to feet. "You're going to come eat lunch. And Remus and I will make sure you do." I pull away.

"Stop treating me like a fucking child!" I want to be angry right now. I really do. But instead I just feel like weeping. "I'm not a child!" My voice breaks a little. He looks at me with a knowing expression.

"Come on, James… Don't cry…" I bite my lip, hard. "James…" He puts his arm on my shoulder.

"Just, stop Sirius!" A tear escapes down my cheek and I brush it away. "Don't touch me!" I'm on the edge of breaking down again. Maybe Remus was right… Maybe I'll feel better if I eat…

"All this because of one no…" I don't think he meant for me to hear him, but it angers me.

"I've felt like hell for months, Sirius Monday just broke me!" I shut my mouth right away because I hadn't meant to say it. He says nothing for a full minute. He just stands there, looking at me as though HE is about to break down himself. "L-let's just go get lunch, okay?" I'll do anything if it will get that look off his face.

"…Okay." He says after a moment. "Come on." I follow him back into the Great Hall and take my place next to Remus without a word. Moony looks from me to Sirius trying to find an explanation. I notice Padfoot watching me closely. Understanding that there's no way out of this, I spear a piece of chicken with my fork and shove it my mouth. After a few bites I try to be done but he makes it clear he won't have that.

Padfoot monitors my eating again at dinnertime, and when I try to leave the table to use the restroom he follows me.

"Stop acting like I'm a bloody suicide patient. I'm not going to kill myself if you leave me alone, you know." He doesn't seem amused at all by this comment.

"That doesn't mean you're not gonna do something stupid like make yourself throw up again." I say nothing, simply because that is exactly what I'd been trying to do. I admit I took it too far not eating for two entire days… but I'm completely off track again because Sirius is making me eat a lot more than I should be.

"I don't appreciate this." I settle on saying. He goes as far as to follow me into the restroom and listen to me piss. I flush the toilet. "Happy?"

"Very." I wash my hands and he walks with me back to the dorms. When we get back he collapses onto his bed and sighs.

"Ah, bed. I've missed you so." I roll my eyes.

"Padfoot…" I hesitate. "Does Moony know about… you know…"

"Nope." He answers. "But I swear to fucking god James if you do it again, he will. Trust me, two of us can keep an eye on one you." I don't answer him but draw the curtains around my bed. I lie down with my clothes on, shut my eyes, and focus on the silence. There's a whirring in my ears. I feel worse now than I did before.

I feel lonely. Lost. Helpless. And sick. My stomach hurts, reminding me that I'm eating too much. My eyes sting, reminding me of all the tears, and my head is pounding. He said I'd feel better if I ate. He said I'd feel better if I slept. He's wrong. They're both wrong.

"So what the fuck was Lily talking about this morning?"

"She wanted to know why I was pouting by myself in a Library." It's not really a lie.

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her you were mad at me cuz you thought I stole that knife." Sirius laughs.

"Nice one, James."

"Yeah." I stare at the darkened stone ceiling concentrating on my stomachache. I start to think about that knife.

I flip on to my side, curling into a more comfortable, albeit depressing position. There are tears in my eyes again.

What _would _I want with a knife?

I sit up and pull my potions scalpel out of my bag. I twirl it around in my fingers for a bit, staring at it. The small amount of light in the room reflects of its shining sparkling surface. I test the edge with my right index finger. The blade nips me and I withhold a gasp, with Sirius sitting only a few feet away. I start to wonder how much of chance my skin would have against such an enemy. One little movement and I bet this blade would slice through my flesh like butter. One, perfect, scarlet line. Far more perfect than anything in this world. A perfect line, with drops of bright red blood beading up on my arm like rubies in perfect little row.

And then, perhaps, a single drop of blood would grow tired of its companions. It would run away. Fleeing down, down, down my milky skin… only to be swallowed my elbow. I imagine the world as though it were made of perfect red lines. Each drop beauty its own little piece of life, slowly dripping away. Those that stay would soon dry up and crack off… because even perfection can't last forever. The line would go away. The world is chaos without perfection.

It's up to us to draw our own lines.

I put the edge of the knife on my forearm, just a few inches below my wrist. I feel the cold tingle of its presence against my skin. If you can't touch it, then it isn't real. Who the fuck are you to say that my pain isn't real? My flesh writhes in anticipation of the incision. My body screams for me to do something that I can FEEL. A pain that I can see. The emotions, the tears, the fear, they all cry to be released.

The blade tortures them, sitting so gently on the skin, taunting my body with something that has yet to come. The world would be better as perfect red lines.

I press onto the knife, and gasp slightly as the edge breaks the surface, much in the way the cool water of the pool gives way to a person looking for an escape. I watch the perfect little rubies start to surface around the blade, and I move my hand in a slow, dragging motion. My flesh opens like a cut to plastic. Smooth… so smooth… slicing perfectly through my body. I pull the knife back and stare at my arm.

My own perfect red line.

I sigh gently, feeling if only the slightest bit of relief from the stresses of the world.

Of course,

One line isn't nearly enough.

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	4. Easier

When I wake up the next morning the first thing I notice is that I'm hungry. This isn't a very good way for my day to begin…

Sirius made me eat so much last night. I'm disgusted with myself for even wanting to eat so soon after that.

The second thing – and I'm lucky to realise this before I draw back my curtains – are my wrists and forearms. When I cut last night, I hadn't been thinking about hiding them. I keep my hangings closed in a scarlet box around me as I listen to Sirius fight with Remus over the shower.

"You always take too long!" Sirius is shouting.

"I always shower in morning. Why didn't you do it last night?" I look down on my arms again and count. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. On my left arm. And one, two, three, on my right wrist. I curse to myself. How in the hell am I supposed to hide this? My uniform and robe both have long sleeves… but those are in my trunk… which sits outside my curtains. I don't know any healing spells. I can't rightly ask Lily to fix them for me.

"Prongs, you up yet, mate?"

"Yeah." I say shortly. "I'm up."

"Well what the fuck are doing you're gonna be late?" Sirius is irate. Remus clearly won the battle over the shower.

"Just give me minute, Padfoot." I need to think of something fast, or else Sirius will rip my hangings back and I'll be exposed. Unfortunately, I can't think of anything other than to jump out of bed and dress as quickly as possible.

As I pull back the curtains around my bed frame I start to wish I'd only cut one arm. This way, I'd be able to surreptitiously keep one arm at my side and do everything with the other. But now I'm starting to realise that I can't flip either wrist toward the centre of the room. Something that's going to be difficult. I decide to pull at the hangings with my right arm, as there are only 3 cuts there.

"The butterfly has emerged from his cocoon!" Sirius shouts as I hop off my bed.

"Fuck off, Padfoot." The moment my feet hit the floor, I turn my back to the room and open my trunk. I'm sure to drape my robe over my left arm as I rummage for the rest of my clothing with my right. As I'm doing this, Sirius approaches me. I feel my stomach flutter and clench with anticipation of discovery.

"James," his voice suggests confrontation. I clench my fingers around my robe, and try to cover both of my arms as casually as possible. He puts a hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"F-fine." My hands are shaking.

"Are you going to eat this morning?" He's looking concernedly at me. I nod my head.

"I don't really have a choice, do I?" He shakes his head.

"No, not really. But I want you to WANT to eat. Are you feeling better today?" I have to lie if I want him to leave me alone.

"Yeah, I guess I was just hungry." He seems to believe me, and smiles.

"Alright that's good to hear, mate." I feel guilty for lying.

"I-I'm still not… you know, perfect." 'I'm not okay' would've been more accurate. His smile falters a bit, but he still seems comforted.

"I know, Jamsie. But it's better than awful." I nod. He hugs me and then heads back over to his own bed. I've never outright lied to Sirius before. I stand in front of my trunk, frozen for a moment, fighting back the urge to start sobbing. A big part of me wants to shout that I just lied, tell him I'm not okay at all, and let him and Remus pick up the pieces. But a bigger, less selfish part of me knows it wouldn't be fair to either of them.

I come to my senses, remembering the reason I'm dressing quickly, and look around to be sure that he's preoccupied. Once I've gained conformation that he isn't going to see me, I strip my pyjama shirt and pull on my school shirt in a single fluid motion. I note that if I move my arms in a certain manner, quite a few of my cuts are exposed. To prevent this, I remind myself never to remove my robe.

Once dressed, I lie back down on my bed and close my eyes. My stomach growls.

I'm just nodding off again when Sirius throws a pillow at me by way of announcing that it's time to go downstairs. I rub sleep out of my eyes and wince at the headache I suddenly have. I grab my back and stumble after Sirius, and run back in a moment later when I realise I've forgotten my glasses.

When we get downstairs the smell of food makes my mouth water. I inwardly curse Sirius for jumping my metabolism by making me eat. I sit down next to Padfoot, and Moony sits on his other side. Sirius gives me a meaningful look, and sighing, I start to pile bacon and eggs onto a plate. I won't admit it, but I'm grateful to not feel starving.

When we've finished with breakfast we head off toward Transfiguration. It's Thursday – meaning no Snape. We take our seats in the back corner of the room.

About 10 minutes into the lesson I raise my hand.

"Yes, Mr. Potter?" McGonagall calls on me.

"I'm sorry Professor, but may I use the restroom?" Sirius glares at me.

"I swear, I just have to take a piss." I whisper. McGonagall sighs.

"Fine, Potter. Make it quick." I scamper off down the hall, congratulating myself on escaping watch. Despite feeling guilty over doing this again, I think of ways to escape suspicion as I walk. I'll be sure not to use the restroom in first lesson every day. I'll wait until a class that I don't share with Sirius to leave. Though he suspects me today, if I don't do it again, he'll assume I really did just have to pee.

I reach the bathroom and glance beneath each of the stalls to be sure no one's here. I pull out my wand and lock the door the whole place to prevent anyone walking in, and pick a stall.

I stand in front of the toilet for a moment, wand in hand, wondering if I should do this. If I do it again, doesn't that make me a Bulimic? I decide on no. It's not like I'm going to do this every time I eat… just… keep myself on track and be sure I don't eat too MUCH. It's not my problem if Sirius can't tell the difference. And this way, I don't have to feel hungry all the time. Comforted, I lean over the toilet bowl.

"_Vomero_" I retch violently, but nothing actually comes up. Eyes watering, I curse myself for shoddy wandwork and try again. "_Vomero!" _The spell works this time, and this morning's breakfast and last night's dinner free themselves from my stomach. I spit. My breathing is heavy for a moment. I pick my head up and wipe my mouth with my sleeve. I turn away, about to stand up and flush when a wave a nausea takes me over and I feel bile raising in my throat. Almost too late, I lean my head back over the toilet.

I throw up two more times before my stomach finally stops churning and I can get in a full enough breath to feel like I'm no longer in the danger zone. I stay over the toilet for another minute though just to be sure, and when I'm confident that it's finished I stand up and flush. I rinse my mouth in the sink, wondering why that happened when I only used the spell once.

I hurry back to class, having taken longer than I'd originally planned.

When I get back to class Sirius looks me with an expression I can only define as a cross between stern and terrified. I roll my eyes at him, pretending to be annoyed with his assumption. I sit back down, wishing I had some water because my throat is beginning to burn.

"I'm telling Remus." Sirius whispers at me. I whisper back, angrily.

"I didn't fucking do anything!" He stares me down. "I swear!" He purses his lips.

"I swear to god, James, if you're lying to me…"

"I'm not fucking lying to you!" I snap a little too loudly. Half of the class turns around and stares.

"Do you have something you wish to share with the class, Mr. Potter?"

"No professor. I apologise." I notice that Lily's gaze lingers on me for a moment longer before she too turns back toward the blackboard. My throat burns. My arms sting. And my head hurts. I close my eyes and rest my forehead in my arms, winces as the fresh cuts protest the contact with the wood.

I manage to get away with making frequent bathroom trips for the following fortnight and even a few days after that. I'm finally starting to take off some of the weight – about twenty-five pounds so far. I still don't think I look thin enough though, and Sirius is still forcing me to eat at every single meal. My throat burns constantly, so I've been trying not to talk very much. I've also managed to continue cutting, something that hasn't been at all easy. I have to wear my robe constantly, despite warm days and afternoon lazing.

I'm currently sitting in the Great Hall with Remus and Sirius, who is watching me eat with more attention than he usually does. This makes me uncomfortable, because it hurts to swallow, and if someone were to watch close enough, this is visible. I reach across the table for a piece of bread. My sleeve almost slides down and I catch it at the last moment. I eat about half of the bread before I start to feel sick, another result of my behaviour for the past couple weeks. I stand.

"Gotta pee." I say vaguely. For the first time in a long while, Sirius doesn't follow – something I'm grateful for.

By the time I get to the restroom, I have to run for the toilet – the spell being unnecessary at this point. Since I've started doing this, it's been getting harder and harder for me to keep my food down. In the end though, I do pull out my wand, just to be sure. Once again wiping my mouth on my sleeve, I flush, unlock the stall, open the door and freeze.

"I told you." Sirius is standing in front of the sinks with Remus, who has an expression of horror written across his face. I stand, heart pounding, trapped. My mouth tastes disgusting.

"James…" Remus says slowly. My mind is reeling. I don't know what to say… I can't rightly deny it… "James, how long have you been doing this?" I don't say anything.

"REMUS ASKED YOU A QUESTION, DAMMIT!" I've never seen Padfoot look so furious. A painful lump develops in my throat.

"I-I…"

"Take off your clothes." He orders. "Show him."

"Show him what?" I plead. Remus turns to Sirius.

"Sirius… calm down… don't yell at him…" I start to cry, still standing in the middle of the bathroom.

"TAKE OF YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES SO HE CAN REALLY SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO YOURSELF!" I cry harder, not able to take in a full breath. Remus curses and approaches me. He wraps his arms around my shoulders, tightly. I can't do anything but sob. Sirius keeps yelling. "HE'S BEEN MAKING HIMSELF THROW UP EVERY MEAL FOR THREE FUCKING WEEKS!" Remus lets go of me and rounds on Sirius.

"Padfoot, I know you're worried but you need to shut the hell up, right now!" His tone is scolding. "James obviously has a problem. Do you think he needs you shouting at him right now? Look at him!"

"He can cry all he wants!" He snaps. "I told him to stop this weeks ago!"

"So, what, Sirius? He NEEDS you. And you're gonna stand there, and yell at him?" I take their confrontation as an opportunity to slip out the door as quietly as possible, and bolt down the hallway as fast as I can. I don't know where to go, but I'm still crying and run the risk of being seen by absolutely anybody right now. I burst out of the castles doors, deciding on the lake.

When I get to the shore I collapse into the grass, rip of my glasses, and pull my knees to my chest. I bury my face into my arms and sob. Just like that night a few weeks ago, I don't even know why I'm crying so hard. All I know is that I'm alone, I'm scared, and I need help. I know that anyone outside can hear me right now. I know that anyone outside can see me right now. But I don't care. I can't stop. After a moment I lift my head up, remembering the knife I've been keeping in my robe pocket.

With wet, blurry, eyes and shaking hands, I pull it out and yank up both of my sleeves. I don't move slowly like I did the first time. I attack my arms with quick, violent slashes. Long, deep, and painful. I don't count how many times I cut. I don't pay attention to whether the blade breaks through some of my other cuts. I don't care if the lines are in an even row. I just cut.

And cut.

And cut.

I stare as blood drips from countless cuts down my skin and into the grass. I close my eyes and focus on the pulse screaming from each of my arms. I relish in the sting. I jam the knife back into my pocket, yank my sleeves back down and wrap my arms around myself, as if I were cold, and continue crying as if my heart were breaking. In all honestly, it probably is.

"I see him!"

I whip my head around and see my friends dashing toward me.

"Fuck, James!" Sirius has the map clutched in his hands. Remus rushes over to me and wraps himself around me in a hug. A second later Sirius does the same thing. Being as pathetic as I am, I can't stop crying.

"Shh… shh… it's okay…" It's not okay, but I let them hold me for the next 10 minutes or so until I calm down. "Shh…" Once I manage to get myself under control at least a little bit, Remus tries to speak to me.

"James, I know you're upset right now, but you need to talk to us." I just nod.

"O-okay." I choke. I've never felt so terrified in my life. Everything is falling apart around me and I'm getting to that point where I really don't feel like it's ever going to be okay again. I just want this all to stop. And if it doesn't stop on its own…

I'm going to make it.

It's the first I've ever thought of suicide and I start to sob all over again. Sirius squeezes me into his chest, and I can feel him shaking. I choke on a sob and start coughing. For a moment, I'm scared that I might be sick, but I manage to breathe again.

"Come on..." I feel someone pat my back. It takes me another few minutes to settle down for the second time. At this point, I'm exhausted, and bury myself into Sirius. "Why have you been making yourself throw up, James?"

"Because I wanna be skinny like S-snape. Lily might n –notice me then."

"Lily notices you NOW, James…" I shake my head.

"N-no! Not good enough…" I'm not good enough. As soon as I've said it I know that it's true. "She thinks I'm ugly. An-noying! I have to f-fix it. It's not en-nough!" With his chest pressed against my face, I feel Sirius start to cry. "I still haven't lost enough w-weight!"

"God dammit, James!" Sirius remarks. "God, you can't even SEE it, can you?"

"S-see what?" Sirius lets go of me and so does Remus. They stand up. I wince at the tears I see on Padfoot's cheeks.

"Stand up, James." Remus asks me gently. I pull myself to my feet. "Come on, we're gonna go upstairs. You need to see something."

I stumble after both of them back to the dorm. By the time we get there I've managed to calm down. Sirius pulls me (rather roughly) over to the mirror.

"Take of your robe, James." I hesitate. My fresh cuts will have clearly bled through the sleeves of my white shirt… "Take it off!" Sirius chokes on a sob.

"I c-can't…" I stutter.

"Why?"

"I-I…" Remus speaks up.

"It's the cuts, isn't it?" I turn around a stare at him.

"T-the what..?" I glance at Sirius who looks like he's ready to fall apart.

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about James…" Remus says slowly. "You've not taken that robe off in weeks."

"W-what are you talking about, Moony?" It's Sirius. Remus addresses me.

"You need to be the one to show him. Sirius, sit down." Sirius, who looks rather shaken, walks over to his bed and sits on it. Looking at his pale, terrified complexion, I start to tremble. I feel tears building up again, ready to spill over at any moment. How am I supposed to tell him…?

Shaking, I unfasten my robe and let it slide to floor. I was right. My shirt sleeves are stained scarlet. Padfoot stares at my arms for a second, and then up at me. He has a look in his eyes that can only be described as silent begging. I've never seen anyone look so desperate or devastated in my life. Tears start slipping down my cheeks again. Sirius is crying too.

"Roll them up, James." Remus tells me quietly. He sounds close to tears himself. I obey, and – painfully – pull my sleeves up to my elbows, revealing scores of gashes – many of them fresh, open to the world to see.

"Fuck." Remus breathes. He disappears into the bathroom.

"I'm s-sorry, Padfoot!" He looks as though I've broken everything inside of him. I start to cry harder. "I didn't mean t-to!" He just stares at me with that look in his eyes. I want to die. I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die.

I collapse on the bed beside Padfoot and rest my forehead on his shoulder and just cry there. Sirius doesn't move. He just stares at his feet. I jump as something touches my arm.

"This is going to sting." Remus is back with some disinfectant potion and a roll of bandage wrappings. I let him doctor my arms without protest, and don't remove myself from Sirius's shoulder. Remus wraps my arms tightly. After a while, Sirius wraps an arm around my shoulders and hugs me.

"Please." Is all he says.

I don't need to know what he means.

"I can't…" I whisper. Remus joins our hugging fest.

"Yes you can James." We sit in silence for a while.

"James… you need to talk to Lily…" I shake my head.

"N-no. She can't know. She'll laugh at me."

"No, she fucking won't James. You can't let her kill you like this!" I just shake my head. Sirius pulls away from me, grabs my shoulders, and looks me dead in the eye.

"If I see ONE new cut on you, or if I catch you throwing up again, I will tell her myself, do you understand me?" I nod vigorously.

"I-I understand."

"Up." Remus says. "Come on." I stand up and he takes me to the mirror again. This time he instructs me to remove my shirt and I do so. I stare at my reflection. I don't understand what I'm supposed to be seeing. I look thin, but not thin enough.

"You can see your ribs James." Remus says, as though he realises this.

"Don't be stupid, Moony." I still look fat. He shakes his head in what seems to be disbelief.

"You really don't see it, do you?" Sirius is standing in the corner, holding himself. He looks – if possible – almost as upset as I feel.

"There's nothing to see." I answer shortly. "I'm sorry." I'm tired, and don't care what time it is. I'm going to sleep. I crawl onto my bed and try to draw my hangings. As I attempt to do so, Remus pulls out his wand and charms them so that they won't move.

"I don't think so, James." I sigh. It's going to be a while before they let me out of their sight again. As I lie down to sleep, I close my eyes, trying to think of ways to get away from them. I only need 5, 6 minutes to myself. There's gotta be some way to hide from them.

I fall asleep to the sound of Sirius crying quietly, and I can't help but wondering,

Am I a bad person?

I wipe tears from my own eyes, and try to let the darkness take me over.

Maybe it would be easier to just be done.

Maybe it would be easier to die.


	5. Caught

**WELL HERE IT IS! Sorry this took so long guys, I've been SOOO busy lately. This switches between James and Sirius as far as point of view. For some reason, my time breaks refuse to show up on fanfiction… so if it seems to jump around from time to time or person to person, just know there used to be a time break there and it got removed by the stupid formatter. Anyway, on with the story! Last chapter! REVIEW PLEASE! **

**James**

I haven't stopped. Throwing up, I mean. I've stopped cutting because quite honestly, I have no choice in the matter. I tried moving the cuts to other parts of my body, like my hips or my shoulders, but the start of Quidditch season has made that impossible. But even if I can't cut anymore, I'm still not in class with Remus and Sirius all day, which means it's pretty easy to just sneak out during one of my other lessons. The only problem with this is weekends.

It's been a little over two weeks since I was caught and so far neither Moony nor Padfoot has let up for a second when it comes to babysitting me. I think Sirius is beginning to suspect that I haven't stopped because he's keeping a closer watch on me than ever. I still haven't been allowed to close my bed hangings and Remus won't let me keep my potions knife outside of class.

It's Wednesday morning and I'm up earlier than I would be because the light streaming through the castle window is attacking my eyes. I rub them and put my glasses on. It doesn't yet look like anybody's awake. I slide out of bed and tiptoe toward the bathroom. I know better than to try anything with my friends so near, but my throat is dry, scratchy, and screaming with discomfort – the downside to keeping my weight under control. I need a drink of water. I reach for the door handle.

"What do you think you're doing?" I freeze. Sirius is sitting up in bed. I curse under my breath. I just want a drink. Of course, Sirius won't believe that.

"Getting a drink."

"Before we're up?" I sigh, turn around and walk into the bathroom, sure to keep the door open. I fill a cup with water and make a point to obviously drink it. Sirius glares at me.

"God's sake, Sirius. I'm not allowed to get a fucking drink without supervision?" He shakes his head and puts his hand on his hips, alarmingly resembling my mother when she's angry.

"No, James, you don't. Maybe if you didn't act so stupidly, you would. But this is your own fault." I cross my arms and glare.

"I'm not a fucking child Sirius."

"Then don't act like it." I fill the cup with water again and drink it, to prevent my voice rasping – something that will confirm any suspicion he might have.

"So tell me, Sirius. How is cutting or… you know…"

"Making yourself sick." He finishes for me.

"Yeah, that. How is that acting like a child?"

"Because you're too stupid to realise that you can lose weight like a normal person, James. You're too stupid to see that your fucking ribs are showing and that Remus and I have realised you haven't put any weight on since we've been watching you. And you're too stupid to understand that cutting yourself to fix your problems is only gonna end up with you getting KILLED. You're acting like a sodding child." I don't say anything. That hurt. I shove past Sirius and begin to dress, thinking about what he just said. 'Remus and I have noticed that you haven't put on any weight since we started watching you.' I put it out of my mind. Unless he catches me… he can't prove anything.

I follow my friends down into the Great Hall, still seething because Sirius still doesn't trust me enough to get a drink of water by myself. My throat is killing me. The first think I do when I sit down is pour myself a glass of milk – I know this probably isn't a good idea because food makes me feel sick in the first place (be this because of association or just because its unused to having food I'm not sure) and milk is probably the last thing to put into an upset stomach – but it will sooth my throat.

"I don't know what to do with you anymore, James." Sirius says shortly. I glare at him. I know he's only worried, but since he's started to baby sit me he's felt less like a friend and more like an angry mother. I've been feeling a lot less compassion and a lot more ice… maybe that's why I haven't stopped.

"Don't do anything." I answer him just as shortly. "I'm your friend. Not a misbehaved pet." I spit this out a little bit bitterly. I notice Remus looking at me a little concerned. I think he sees what Sirius's behaviour is actually doing to me. I curse his ability to read me, and I bite back tears because I wish he'd say something about it. He's just letting this go on. I stand up.

"I need to use the bathroom." I know he'll follow me, but I need to get away from all of this noise. It's too much right now.

"Okay." Sirius starts to stand.

"I'll go with him." Remus tells him. I watch Padfoot hesitate. He looks almost offended by the offer.

"A-alright…" Remus gives him a quick smile and follows me out the door. I don't say anything as we walk.

"Are you okay, Prongs?" I don't answer him. No, I'm not. He seems to take my silence as an answer. "I didn't think so." I bite down on my lip. After he walks with me in silence for a minute or so I can't help it anymore.

"I hate the way he's treating me!" I cry out. "It's like he doesn't even care, he's just mad!" I curse myself. Remus always knows how to make me talk.

"Sirius cares very much, Prongs." He emphasises my nickname – something Sirius hasn't called me by since he caught me again. "He's just worried and doesn't know how else to handle it." I sniff. I'm going to start crying in a second and I think Moony realises this because he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"He was worried a few weeks ago! He acted like he gave a shit, Moony why is he being so cold now?" I pause to take a breath. "I need you _and _him… and…"

"And what, James?" This is too much for me. Moony grabs my arm and pulls me into a nearby classroom and I'm grateful for this because he knows I wouldn't be glad to be seen by anyone right now. Through wet eyes, I grope around the room for a desk and perch myself on top of it. Moony sits beside me and wraps an arm around my shoulders. I lean into him, giving up on my embarrassment about crying in front of either my two friends. I'll never admit it out loud but I've needed this for a while, and Padfoot certainly hasn't given me the opportunity. Remus doesn't say anything. He just holds onto me. After some time (I have no way of knowing HOW long as I can never gauge time when I'm upset), a voice startles us.

"You've got to be kidding me." I wipe at my cheeks frantically and look up. Severus Snape is standing in the doorway staring at me in amusement. He shakes his head.

"And you wonder why Lily doesn't put up with you." To my dismay, I feel more tears well into my eyes at this. "What's your problem, Potter?"

"Fuck off, Snape." He just smirks.

"Oh, I don't think so, Potter." He spits my last name. "You've been torturing me for years. How am I supposed to pass up an opportunity like this one?" He pulls out his wand and I grope for mine before I realise that I left it in my bag at the table. "I've been working on a few spells of my own, you know. Perhaps you can tell me what you think." He points his wand toward my chest.

"_E_x_pelliarmus!" _Snape's wand flies across the room. Remus points his at the greasy git.

"Get the fuck out of here, Snape." He stands up and approaches him. "You're disgusting." It's nearly the full moon, and Remus looks incredibly intimidating, towering about Snape with a dreadful glare pasted on his features. Snape backs off, but doesn't leave in silence.

"Watch yourself, Potter. Lily will hear of this." I choose not to think about his words as he skulks away. Now pissed off and worried, I wipe my eyes dry and stand up.

"Are you alright…?" Moony asks me hesitantly. I nod my head, still glaring at the spot that Snape just vacated.

"We better get back." I say shortly. "Sirius will be mad."

"Yeah… Okay."

The moment we sit back at the table, Sirius asks me what's wrong.

"Nothing." I say shortly. I start to spear food on my fork. I've given up on hesitating eating. He doesn't believe me. He never does.

"Have you been crying?" I ignore him. "James…" He's worried, I tell myself. He wants you to be okay. His tone of voice makes it impossible for me to believe it.

"Yes, Sirius." I snap. "Why the fuck does it matter?" I grab my bag and march out of the Hall. Sirius gets up and follows me.

"Why were you crying, James?" He's acting how I imagine news journalists do as they follow people around.

"Just leave me alone." He stops short, affronted.

"Why…?" I turn around quick and round on him.

"Because you don't give shit, Sirius!" I accuse. "All you do is babysit me like some sort of suicidal impulsive at St. Mungo's and it hurts me! You've haven't even called me Prongs since you caught me! I'm not your friend anymore just some kid." I say the last part quietly. Fortunately, I cried about this 20 minutes ago so I'm not crying now. Sirius stares at me in a shocked silence for nearly a minute before he answers me.

"James…" he said slowly. "I didn't know…"

"Of course you didn't," I snap bitterly, "why would you?"

"I don't know how you can possibly think that I don't care, Prongs." He says quietly.

"You don't act like it." I answer shortly. "You're just demanding. Won't let me go the fucking loo by myself."

"Can you blame me?" He's looking me dead in the eyes.

"I-I well – no… but…" I stutter. He steps closer to me and places a hand on my shoulder. I'm stunned into silence as his eyes lock mine – all I can see in them is a worried pleading.

"You're my best mate, Prongs," He tells me slowly, and subtle shaking in his tone tells me he's fighting tears. "Please don't ever tell me that I don't care again. I can't fucking sleep anymore." I don't know what to say.

"O-okay…" He pulls me into a hug right in the middle of the hallway. I ignore staring passers-by and hug him back just as tightly. "I'm sorry," I whisper, and I hope he doesn't realise that I'm apologising because I still haven't stopped.

"It's okay, Prongs." He says quietly. I follow him into class.

**Sirius**

I've decided I'm going to tell Lily about what James has been doing to himself. I know I promised him I wouldn't unless I caught him at it again but… I really, really don't believe that he's stopped. I can't explain how much it hurts to think he's under the impression that I don't even care, but it hurts even more that he's not even willing to stop for me. I'm beginning to think that the only way he will ever stop is if Lily tells him to. He may never forgive me, but it's the only chance I've got.

I corner Remus after a class neither of us have with James and tell him my plan.

"I don't know, Padfoot," He's hesitant from the beginning. "Can you even prove that he's still doing it?"

"He looks like he's still losing weight, Moony." He frowns.

"It's only been a fortnight… maybe he just hasn't put the weight on yet…" Even as he says it, I don't think he believes it either.

"Remus, look at me." He does. "Do you understand how serious this is?" He looks affronted.

"Of course I do, Sirius." He snaps. "You act like you're his only friend! You're not the only one who cares about James, you know!" I blush, and I'm not sure why.

"Look, Remus. All I meant is that I'm not willing to sit around and watch him deteriorate just because we don't have 'proof' that he's still doing it! It's not something we can just ignore. If he doesn't stop, he could die." Remus winces visibly at this. "You've been watching him too. He's getting weaker, not stronger. Fuck, I don't know how he's still playing Quidditch!" I brush tears out of my eyes. "Obviously, us watching him isn't enough to stop him. We have to tell Lily." Remus is silent for a moment.

"I agree." He says shortly. "But don't you think we should tell Dumbledore? Or the Nurse?" I think about this but shake my head.

"No… no we should tell Lily first and if that doesn't work then we'll go to a teacher. We need to keep a closer eyes on him though."

"Well, why shouldn't we just tell Dumbledore?" I think about it.

"Because… they'll pull him out of school and more than likely send him to Mungo's for mental shit…" Remus puts a hand on my shoulder. I feel my lip quiver. He looks me in the eyes and speaks very clearly.

"Wouldn't that be good for him…?" I sniff.

"N-no… think of the publicity, Moony… You think he could handle that?" He sighs.

"Padfoot, if he can't work through this by himself, he might not have a choice."

"No!" I resist the urge to stamp my foot like an angry little girl. "He'll never forgive me if I turn him in! There has to be a better way, Moony!" I feel myself start to lose control. "Why can't he just get better…?" We're still standing in a crowded hallway.

"Hey… shh… come on Padfoot, don't do that… not here…" He's talking about my crying. "Talk to Lily, okay? It'll be alright…" I can't understand how he's been so level headed through all of this. Sometimes, I feel like more of a wreck than James. "I'm sure once Lily talks to him he'll be okay…" I sniff and wipe at my face, while trying to glance around to see if anyone's watching me. They don't seem to be.

"O-okay…"

"Come on, let's go to class. You'll see James there."

This is a time break This is a time break This is a time break

I find Lily by the lake after dinner time. I told James that I have detention with McGonagall and Remus is staying with him in the common room making sure that for any reason he doesn't look at the map.

I approach her slowly, with no idea how to even begin. A big part of me wants to start in anger. A bigger part of me wants to curse her for everything she's doing to him. And the biggest part of me wants to fall on my knees crying and beg her make him better. Prongs saved my life… I'm standing beside where she's sitting in the grass with a book for about 5 minutes, thinking of what to say, before she looks up and glares at me.

"Can I help you with something, Black?" I sputter a response.

"I-I well, yes, actually. I need to talk to you about something." She stares. "It's… it's about, James." I can almost SEE the patience leave her eyes.

"I don't want to hear this." She says shortly.

"Yes, you do." Realising that she isn't going to invite me to do so, I sit down beside her in the grass. "It's serious." She says, closes her book and gives me her attention.

"This had better be good." I wince at her terminology. This is anything BUT good. The less patience she shows with me, the more bitter I become over the fact that THIS is the girl he fell in love with. He deserves someone that will love him… take care of him… someone that hates to see him hurt… I get lost in thought and Lily clears her throat to remind me of her presence. After being sure there are no tears in my eyes, I look up at her, and stare her straight in the face.

"James has been making himself throw up for over a month now." She raises her eyebrows.

"Excuse me?"

"Remus and I noticed that he'd stopped eating so we started making him. He's been making himself throw up. We're trying to keep an eye on him but he's finding other ways…"

"Right." I can tell she doesn't believe me. "And let me guess, this somehow has something to do with me?" I can't believe what I'm hearing. I want to fucking deck her in the face!

"Yes, Evans! He's trying to impress you!" She picks up her book and pulls herself to her feet.

"Alright, I've heard enough. Tell Potter he almost had me going, though. Clever. Fucked up, but clever." I stand up and follow her.

"What's 'clever' about Bulimia?" My fingers grasp the handle of my wand.

"No, not that. What's clever is having you come feed me some sob story. It's a new step, even for Potter." She starts to walk away.

"I'm not fucking lying to you, you stupid bitch!" I shout after her. She ignores me and struts down the hall and it takes ever fibre in me not to run after her and curse her until I can't recognise an inch of her frigid little body. After standing in a horrified silence for what feels like 10 minutes I stomp up to our dorm room. I almost start ranting to moment I slam to door but I notice James' presence just in time.

"Something wrong, Padfoot?" He looks up from an essay that he's pretending to write. I don't say anything. I don't trust myself not to start shouting, crying, or both. I yank the hangings around my bed, cast a silencing charm and shout every curse word in the books into my pillow. It doesn't do anything to help so I settle on sobbing angrily until its dark enough to sleep.

I talk to Moony about Lily the next day.

"Are you fucking KIDDING me?" He cries out. Part of me is almost satisfied to see the emotion in him. "That stupid little…" He doesn't seem able to finish the sentence. After mumbling to himself for a while, he turns to me. "Sirius… you know we're gonna have to tell…"

"No!" I yell. A few people turn around and stare. "I don't want to do that to him."

"It's either that or watch it continue…" He shakes his head. "Fuck, Padfoot, you think I want this?" He shakes his head again and for the first time, I see that he's about to cry. "God, I though telling Lily would finally make it stop…" I close my eyes.

"Why does he love her?" I whisper. When I open my eyes again, Remus is looking at me oddly. "What?" I ask, startled out of my emotions for a moment.

"Nothing…" He says vaguely.

"No, what?"

"Just… nevermind. Look, Sirius, we don't have a choice. We'll give it until Monday. After that, we're going to have to tell." After a very long while of silence I finally nod. Remus is right; we have no choice.

This is a time break This is a time break This is a time break

**James **

On Saturday morning, Wormtail comes skidding into the dorm room, successfully waking up the rest of us. He looks panicked. Half asleep and perhaps emotional due to my eating situation, I begin to panic as well.

"What's going on?" I sit up straight. Peter's face looks as though something's caught fire.

"Padfoot, Padfoot!" He approaches Sirius who's less awake than all of us.

"What the fuck, Peter? Get off!" he shoves Wormtail off his bed.

"It's Filch!" He spits out. "I-It's about the-the prank!" With this, I understand that it's not actually anything serious and plop back down into my pillows.

"Which prank," Sirius asks groggily as he pulls on his clothes.

"I-I don't know! But he wants you now!" Sirius groans. He stands up and turns to Moony, who's watching from his bed.

"Ugh. This is gonna take a while…"

"What did you do?" I perk up; this could be interesting.

"I may have, kind of sort of, possibly… charmed the trophies in the award room to… you know, bite people…" I can't help a laugh at this. I notice that Padfoot can't fight a smile either. He addresses Remus again.

"Keep an eye on James, will you?" The grin slides off my face. There it is again… "Make sure he eats, I won't be back for some time." Remus seems to notice Sirius's lack of tact as well, as he doesn't seem amused, but agrees to babysit me anyway. Good spirits ruined, I curl back beneath my sheets. When Sirius and Peter have left the room, Moony sighs.

"Sorry, James, you know the drill." I grunt. "Come on, it's already 10:30. We may as well get breakfast." I grunt again. "Come on, up. Let me see your arms." Glaring the entire time I sit up and let Moony inspect my wrists for the thousandth time. When he's satisfied that I STILL haven't cut, he lets me dress. I glower all the way down to breakfast and make a point not to talk at all while I force food into a stomach that's far too used to expelling than digesting and almost stomp back up to the dorms once we've finished.

About two hours later, I'm grudgingly sitting in the Library with Remus working on a Charms essay when I'd much more happily be outside playing with my snitch. Of course, Sirius still isn't back yet and that means whatever Remus does, I do. I'm still in a very bad mood.

"I have to pee." I announce. I don't have to go very badly, but at least I can move. Remus looks up from his essay.

"I should head back to the dorm anyway…" He glances at his watch. He starts to pack his stuff up. I wait for him to follow, having given up on trying to go alone a long time ago. So when we reach the hall bathroom, he surprises me. "Go ahead and go…" he says nervously. "Give me your bag." I hand it to him and after he checks that my wand is there he waves me on. "I'll meet you upstairs…" He gives me a look as though he's wondering if this is really a good idea. I can tell that he's only doing this because he feels sorry about the way Sirius treated me this morning. In all honestly, it's NOT a good idea. But I nod at let him walk away, grateful for his lack in judgement.

I almost never get to do this on the weekends.

I walk into the bathroom whist having the usual moral argument that I have with myself in my head. I know this is wrong, but honestly, I don't care. I pick a stall. I have to be quick. Without my wand, I can't lock the main door. Moony thinks that taking my wand away can stop me…

Muggles do this all the time.

I shove my finger down my throat. My body picking up on this as routine, I have instant, though admittedly grosser results. I do this twice more. I flush and hurriedly wash my hands and mouth in the sink.

I rush out of the bathroom, knowing that if I'm not back at our dorm promptly, Remus will suspect me of doing exactly what I just did. In my haste, I run head long into someone standing just outside the door.

Now usually, my height and strength would cause anyone I run into to topple straight to the floor. But my balance and weight certainly not being what it used to be, I stumble backward, and painfully catch myself on the stone floor, my left wrist screaming in protest. I wince and start to pull myself up, stuttering apologise. The moment I see who I've run into, I freeze.

Lily is standing above me, looking down on my figure with a similar, cautious expression to someone who's just stumbled upon an extremely venomous snake liable to strike if they were to make the wrong move. I know Lily doesn't like me but for the life of me I can't figure out why she's looking at me like that. Suddenly aware of how degrading my position is I ungracefully pull myself to my feet.

"S-sorry…" I stutter. The way she's staring at me is beginning to panic me. I try to move past her but she steps in front of my path, looking up into my face as though she's never seen anything like me before. I start to worry. I don't know what's going on and Remus is going to kill me… "W-what?" I finally manage to say after the third time she blocks my exit.

"God, he wasn't fucking lying to me was he?" I can't tell if she's angry or incredulous, but it's the firmest she's ever spoken to me. Really freaked out, I try to walk past her again but she puts a hand on my chest. "You're not going anywhere, Potter."

"What the fuck is going on?" I finally cry out. She's shaking her head at me, her face a combination of sorrow and disbelief. If I'm not mistaken, I think I may even see tears in those beautiful emerald eyes of hers. "What…?" I don't know why her behaviour is making me want to cry but I'm close to it now.

"What were you just doing in the bathroom, Potter…?" She asks me. Her voice shakes ever so slightly. I feel my insides turn to ice.

"G-going to the bathroom…" I stutter. She shakes her head.

"I heard retching." I try to move past her again.

"I have an upset stomach, kill me." I try to sound annoyed instead of panicked but I'm not sure it's working. She shakes her head again.

"Try again." I stare at her. "What were you doing in there?"

"I threw up, okay? Why is it such a big deal?" Again, I fail at making her believe that I think she's crazy.

"Because you've been making yourself do it, that's why!" She has the same firm, angry, tone as Sirius gets. Except it hurts even more to come from her.

"That's ridiculous, Lily. Now if you'll excuse me," she stops me again.

"No, you're not excused. Sirius told me, James." It's the first time she's ever called me by my first name. I feel sick. He betrayed me… I swallow tears. How could he...? I try to play it off.

"And what did Sirius tell you, Lily dear?" She clearly isn't having any of it.

"That you've been making yourself throw up for over a month." She answers, staring me head on. I snort.

"I-I don't know why he'd say something l-like that…" Her expression softens.

"Why…?" My lip quivers.

"Why what?"

"Why have you been making yourself throw up, James?" There's that name again. I snap at her.

"What, didn't Sirius tell you that too?" I give up on walking past her and turn around and try to walk away from her. She grabs my wrist and I wince instinctively.

"No, he didn't." I try to pull away. "God dammit, Potter, stop it!" she spins me around to face her. "Why?" She practically shouts the last word. I yank my arm out of her grasp.

"You want to know, why, Lily?" I yell. "Because of you, okay?" Tears start to fall down my cheeks. I brush them away angry. "Because you fucking told me that I'm disgusting and make you sick and won't give me the fucking time of day even though I try so sodding hard to do right by you! It's always wrong! I've tried everything! I've stopped being mean to people, I've stopped acting arrogant and I tried to stop eating so much but Sirius fucking forced the food down my throat so I've been throwing up ever since! I don't know why you'll talk to fucking Snape, he's a git! So I figured he's skinnier than me, he's quieter than me, smarter than me!" I'm sobbing now. "I'm not good enough for anyone, Lily not just you and I need to fix it! And I would fix it if you people would just leave me the fuck ALONE!" She stares at me in shock.

"I.." before she gets the chance to answer me I turn around and run off.

I rush up to the dorm, still crying and storm into the room. I slam the door behind me. As I barge in I catch Sirius in the middle of an argument with Remus about why he left me alone in a bathroom. They end their conversation the moment I run in and collapse onto my bed, crying my heart out.

"Whoa… what… James!" They're at my side in an instance and I honestly wish they'd just go away.

"Hey hey hey… what's wrong…? Shh… Come on Jamsie what happened…?"

"L-l-lily!" is all I can manage to get out. At that moment there's a frantic knocking at the door. Sirius rubs my back.

"I'll be right back, Prongs," he says gently. He gets up to open the door. "Get the fuck out of here, Evans!" I hear him yell. "You've caused James enough fucking trouble!"

"Please, Sirius, just let me talk to him…"

"No! NO YOU BLOODY WELL CANNOT TALK TO HIM AND IF YOU DON'T LEAVE RIGHT NOW I'M CURSING YOUR FUCKING LOUD MOUTH OF THAT GOD DAMN FACE OF YOURS!" With this, I feel Remus leave the bed to go prevent Sirius killing Lily. I take the opportunity to grab my wand off the night stand and lock myself in the bathroom. I use an advanced lock charm so they can't unlock it my magic and stumble over to the edge of the tub. I sit on it and pull up my sleeve. There's a violent knock on the bathroom door and numerous audible attempts an unlocking charm.

"James you open this door right now!" It's Remus. Behind him I can still hear Sirius arguing with Lily. I point the wand at my arm.

"_Diffindo!_" A very, very violent gash opens up on my skin as I watch scarlet drops of blood spatter the tile floor beneath me and even some spraying on the wall beside me.

"James?" Remus's voice turns to panic. I ignore him and see the blood rivering down my forearm.

"_Diffindo! Diffindo Diffindo Diffindo!" _I've never bled this bad before. There's a part of my mind telling me that this is dangerous and a larger part telling me that's good.

"Sirius, Sirius, Diffindo!" I stare, entranced at the blood sprayed on the pearly white floor and wall.

"_Diffindo!" _

"What?" I hear Padfoot take a break from yelling at Lily.

"JAMES IS IN THE BATHROOM WITH A WAND! I KEEP HEARING DIFFINDO!" I hear footsteps rush to the door and another set of knocking and release charms.

"JAMES OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!"

"_Diffindo!_" I'm beginning to feel dizzy. The next voice I hear is Lily's.

"Fuck this! _REDUCTO!_" This is something I hadn't counted on. The door disintegrates into a pile of ash all over the bathroom floor. Before I'm fully able to register what's going on, Padfoot and Moony pour in, ripping my wand from my hand and throwing it across the room.

"Fuck!" One of them, or both, are swearing loudly. "Shit, Lily, he's bleeding!" I recognise Remus's panicked yell. Next thing I know, Lily is grabbing my arm and inspecting it with urgency.

"They're too deep for me to heal, we've got to stop the bleeding first!" Remus rushed out of the room and comes back in a second later with a handful of what appear to be ripped bed sheets. Lily grabs them and wraps them tightly around my arm. I watch in a sick fascination as they're stained instantly by bright red blood. Sirius is staring at the blood on the floor, ringing his fingers though his hear, looking as though this is the worst day of his life. "Alright… breathe." Lily says calmly. "He'll be okay." She looks at me. "You'll be okay, James."

"Great, Evans, thanks. You can leave now." Lily glares up at Padfoot.

"No, I won't be leaving. I want to talk to him." God, I've gotten so sick of them all acting like I'm not in the fucking room.

"I don't think so, Evans. Do you see what you've done to James? MY James?"

"Let her stay." I say quietly. Everyone stops talking and looks at me.

"What, Prongs?"

"Let her stay," I repeat. "Sirius," I look up at him, "Let her stay." They stare at me in silence for a moment before unhappily trudging out of the room. Lily kneels down in front of me. When she speaks, her voice is shaking.

"What the HELL is the matter with you, Potter?" The tears come back as quickly as they ended.

"If you're just gonna yell at me then go away!" I cry. She closes her eyes and takes a slow breath before she answers me.

"I'm sorry, James." I just sniff. "Why the world would you do something so stupid, huh?" She's still scolding me, but her voice is gentle.

"Because everything is falling apart! You're all fighting and yelling and crying and it's all my fault! I just want to be good enough…" I break off into tears and Lily surprises me by sitting next to me and wrapping her arm around me. "And I heard you talking to your friend in the library a while ago about how you pity me but I'm not worth it and…"

"What, what…?" Lily interrupts me. I just sniff. "God… THAT'S why you crying that day!" I just nod and bury my face into my arms. "Potter we were talking about her ex-boyfriend… not you…" I look up.

"Really?" She nods and hugs me closer. "Why are you being so nice to me? Just because I'm crying?" She shakes her head.

"No, James. Because I care, and I'm worried." I cry harder.

"Then why have you been being so mean? All these years!" She closes her eyes and sighs.

"I guess I didn't realise that you ever meant any of it." She picks up my chin and has me look her in those beautiful eyes of hers. "Shh… I'm so sorry, James. If I had even known how much you actually did care… I was stupid… I know you won't forgive me for that…" I shake my head. I probably won't. "Truth is, I think you're adorable." I fight a smile. "But I want you to put your weight back on… I hate seeing this." She gestures to my body.

"But…"

"But nothing, James. You didn't have to change yourself for me." She says softly. I nod my head.

"Yes I did!" I protest. "If I didn't you still wouldn't believe me!" She sighs and closes her eyes.

"Let's start over…" She says slowly. "Hi, my name is Lily Evans. I'd like to know you." I grab her hand and shake it, without taking my cautious eyes off of her face.

"I-I'm James P-Potter. I'd like to know you t-too…"

"So why don't you tell me a bit about yourself, James. What do you like to do for fun?" I smile and wipe a few tears from me cheeks.

"Well, I really like to play Quidditch. I'm seeker, you know. And…"

This is a time break This is a time break This is a time break

It's been two months since Lily and I have been together. I still wouldn't consider myself completely okay, but I'm doing so, so much better. Remus and Sirius still won't let me out of their sight. I still can't go to bathroom on my own and they're still checking my wrists, but I haven't thrown up or cut since the day I ran into Lily outside the bathroom. I'm almost even back to a healthy weight.

I can honestly say the Lily is the best thing that ever has or ever will happen to me. Sirius is having some trouble adjusting to the idea, but he's beginning to warm up to her now he sees she isn't going to hurt me again. All the same, he's reluctant to leave us alone.

I don't know how long it will be before my friends (or girlfriend) trust me again, but I know that things are on their way to being okay. I still don't feel completely good enough for anyone, but someday, I might, and that's enough for me to hold onto.

I just hope that she'll never forget how much I love her.

**Sorry for the cheesy ending, guys. It's 3 AM and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to end it. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW.**

**Might try a Deamus fic. Thoughts?**

**Thanks for reading!**

**xForeversEndx**


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